TonyRocs

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

The picture above is me. Over it! I was not gonna post this on the internet but how could I not share this experience with the world and maybe help someone else out in the process. I recently overdosed on what we know now as MOLLY ( MDMA ) I didn’t know anything about the drug and it was my first hardcore drug trying. The first day I tried it. I experienced euphoria out of this world and felt as if I could connect to my soul when I was on it. It brought out an amazing side of myself and I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like it. I liked it so much in fact I did molly all last week only to overdose last Saturday.  That Saturday morning, I was coming down from the previous night. And for some Reason I wanted to get some more. I had plans that Saturday to take some molly with friends and dance the day away.. Lol.. Well. That didn’t happen. I remember taking the whole ten bag and thinking okay this is gonna be a great roll. I go lay down in my bed and turn on pinks who knew. I don’t know why I would listen to a song about overdosing while on a drug I know nothing about. Half way through the song I feel the molly kick in all at once. Overwhelming! I felt tingles rush all over my body from the fan blowing wind on me. It was indescribable. I start screaming for my boyfriends brother to come in the room because I knew something wasn’t right. He never came so I got up and ran into the living room freaking out because the high was much to strong and didn’t feel like the previous rolls. This was clearly an overdose. I called 911 and at that point I could feel my heart was racing. I feel the woman who picks up the phone I’m overdosing and she goes into questions about what I took.. Where was I ect. I could barley focus on anything she was saying so I hang up because my heart was going so fast I was expecting a heart attack any moment. My friends were getting me milk and water to try to keep me hydrate and bring down some of he high. Only for it to make it worse. I got so nauseous from the milk I rush to the bathroom to throw up. After 10 minutes of throwing up I raise my head up and the room was spinning. I look to the left and here’s my boyfriend. Seeing his face made me feel so much better but I knew something bad was going to happen because I started to get confused. Couldn’t really make out anything at this point. I walk out to the car to see ambulances and a cop. There asking me questions only for me not to answer and at this point I’m just ready to go to the hospital.. They gave me a choice to go with them or.. My boyfriend could bring me. Something in my gut told me if I went with them I probably wouldn’t be here right now so I chose my boyfriend to take me. We get in the car and I’m holding his hand on the way to the hospital scared to death because my heart was starting to slow down at this point. When I tell you.. This is when it hit me. I was dying! Everything was shutting down. He was crying while I was looking in the clouds speaking with god in my head. Asking him for another chance. Knowing I wasn’t gonna make it to the hospital. The clouds looks so beautiful and I remember thinking what’s beyond them.. Beyond the clouds.. I feel the car park and I take the last bit of energy I had to walk inside the hospital. I walk up to this lady at the front desk and I say I’m overdosing.. She says okay, sight in….. I have no energy to argue with this bitch so I wrote down what I could and say down. I waited ten minutes. Looking at this family in front of me with a beautiful little girl I kept smiling at because she was so pretty. I was sure that family was gonna see me die because there were about 3 times I felt as if I was gonna black out. They call my name and as I make it to the back here comes my family… Crying… My boyfriend crying… I never really thought people actually cared about me enough to cry. I knew I was loved but I didn’t know how much of an impact I was up until that moment. And I thought damn. If I died today. Wonder what would have happened. How would my boyfriend go on who is head over heels for me. He wouldn’t. My sister and my boyfriend were hugging each other for the first time ever.. And CRYING. I remember thinking damn.. What have I done… My handsome nephew was looking at me with all these cords hooked up to my chest and you can tell that was a scary moment for him. He wasn’t use to seeing me like that. I went home later the night and remember feeling emotionless. The next day I woke up and I Literally felt like someone had died. There was a strange gloom I still can’t explain. It has been with me ever since I left the hospital, like something isn’t right…. My anxiety has been through the roof since that day and my depression seems to be at its peak! I cry for hours at a time. The thought of what happened still fucks with me. I have this impending doom… Thought of death… Something bad is gonna happen… Horrible thoughts go through my head with out the medication they gave me. My boyfriend hasn’t been able to work because the thought of him leaving my side sends me into panic attacks. They said time will heal everything and what I’m going through is what is expected. Going through this is not going to be easy. And I’m sure it will be ruff for a little while longer knowing that Molly has after effects that could last weeks…moths…or even years… Everything has an outcome in this life.  And this outcome will only make me a much stronger person when I overcome it. My boyfriend has proven to me his love is genuine and I think of him as a lifesaver. He saved my life. I wanted to write this for people who don’t think things like this happen. Before this I was normal just like everyone else.. Not saying I’m not normal. But after this overdose I’m sure my brain won’t technically be the same again.  Don’t do drugs!!!!!!!! I honestly can say this was my wake up call. You don’t have to be a drug addict to die from drugs people. Remember that. I could have.

If it can happen to me.. It can happen to you. Period.

day 3- I am still severely depressed from this. If I ever make it through this hard time I will be sure to be a changed person. Please keep me in your prayers as this is not a great time for me. I’m still suffering depression from this and can’t seem to shake it. Ever since I took this drug everything has been fucked. I ask god everyday to heal me. Nothing seems to work. I’ve gotten a bit better from he first few days but can’t seem to find that happy place I once lived in. Please don’t do drugs.

day 6- Today I have learned what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I can’t find that safe place in my head but I am learning to just BREATHE! It’s so easy to focus on the negative since this is still so fresh But what I keep forgetting is i am still alive! Step one is learning to let go. The worst part is over! Recovery is a long process but the outcome is much greater when accomplished.

Day 7 - today.. The sun has began to peak through the the darkness!!! Looking back from day 1 I thought I was going to die… It seemed as if I wasn’t going to make it and I can’t lie I was ready to give up. My depression still pops up every other hour or so.. My anxiety woke me up this morning at 8 o’clock  and I’ve been up ever since.. I reminded myself to breathe! I made a trip to the hospital only to leave without their help.. Willingly ! Doctors don’t want to help me because there are so many people that go to the hospital just for the drugs.. Not understanding right now I need something for my anxiety.. So I took matters into my own hands.. I bought some all natural vitamins for stress the 3rd day after my overdose and been taking them ever since. There called Gaia herbs STRESS RESPONSE. Supporting a heathy response to stress, I have to say they actually have been working.. Like any vitamin they take a while to kick in but I’ve been using them ever since I got them so they seem to help.. I’m fighting this off the natural way and not trying to get addicted to any medication from a doctor such as Xanax or Ativan with  also help by are extremely addictive.. My boyfriend has been the greatest support system at the time and I can’t thank him enough.. I also learned I have my own personal weapon.. My SENSE OF HUMOR!!! Through it all I almost forgot I had one of the biggest personalities god could have gave to someone. As I said before recovery is a long road to travel but with a few tools I will be sure to get there  soon. Sobriety is a wonderful thing once achieved. Never give up! And always remember to smile!

Day 10 - ya know.. The sun is shining bright for me today like no other.. The issue I’m having now is.. MY ADDITUDE! My mood swings have been so abnormal I feel as if I’m a villain from a Disney movie. I keep telling my friends this is my blackout era.. Made famous by the infamous Britney Spears.. Lol.. I’m trying my best to just learn to shut my damn mouth.. What people don’t understand is.. I’m trying…many also don’t understand it’s not just the overdose I’m dealing with.. It’s the weed as well. After I overdosed it scared me so bad I stopped I cut weed of cold turkey…in other words all together.. Leaving me with withdraws like no other! I tend to find myself looking for the next thing to happen. Just so I can put my sense in and let have! Maybe this is because my guard is actually up. By opening up to the world about my overdose I have learned that people can be cruel. I have gotten messages on Facebook.. Instagram…twitter..tumblr..and youtube about people caring that I overdosed stating I caused this on myself. Witch is nothing but a fact! But.. What they don’t understand is I am honestly trying to put this out to show people what it can cause. I can honesty say it wasn’t the weed that led me here. It was the molly..and I’m not saying weed is bad nor am against weed still to this day, I felt like weed helped me. As a matter of fact it did help me. I looked good.. I slept good.. I could deal with life much better than I can right now.. I would put my beats on roll me a fat blunt and just get away! So don’t think I’m just soooooo against weed now. Because I’m not. I am stopping drugs all together because I don’t want to feel as if I need anything to get through life. I wasn’t put here with anything. It’s my own personal battle. Today I had the first urge to say fuck it and roll me a blunt. But did I? No. Am I? No. Urges are nothing but temptation to the mind.. Something that will eventually fade. Also.. I have been having vivid dreams like no other.. So vivid I can remember in detail as I couldn’t before… I also believe since the overdose I have developed Insomnia.. Since the day I overdosed I have probably had 32 hours of sleep all together. This is probably what is driving me crazy because at times I feel sleep deprived.. In reality I am! Lol. I knew letting myself detox was gonna be a bitch. But why not go through it. The storm is over. This would be considered a tropical storm to the hurricane I just went up against. I don’t feel as if I’m gonna die anymore. I just feel as if someone else may.. The lashing I have been doing isn’t very nice and I can honestly say I’ve been a bitch. A journey wont always lead us the way the map guides..sometimes you have to make your own route. It’s all about getting there. If you get lost along the way. Don’t give up. Remember to keep your faith if nothing else and try to always have a dedicated mindset. As I said before the storm is over.. But the aftermath is gonna be a bitch to clean up. A hurricane is a great metaphor for an overdose by the way.. Lol 
Day 14 - 2 weeks since I overdosed I can say I am not depressed anymore. Nor am I sad about what happened. It’s my anxiety… Now see I have made it through that horrible nightmare that didn’t seem it was gonna end. Making it this far has showed me that I am a true survivor. But the sad thing is I am left with this anxiety in witch at times feels as if can kill you alone! But I have learned anxiety is nothing but a reaction from negative thoughts. Simply. You can change your mind and your anxiety will fade, tho it’s not as easy as a sentence lol. It rakes me maybe 30 minutes for it to leave. I have to text… Listen to music… I also downloaded a lot of old nick toons from iTunes like hey Arnold.. Cat dog… Doug….you know.. Well if your a 90,s baby like me you would. They help! So much. If you are having anxiety do something you love! Something that gets your mind away. Right now I’m fighting the hardest fight and I don’t think people realize that. You see me posting pictures and videos and people say yassssssssssssss your so much better.. Ect. In all actuality I’m not. Nor do I want the sympathy neither. I didn’t wanna sit around all day hearing shit like get well soon. Yes it helps but it also makes you realize you are not okay. I want to feel okay. Believe it. Even when I’m not. The biggest part is I have gotten so much better I can’t express it enough. I was prescribed some medication over the last week and I tried it… But I have to tell you I honesty don’t want to be suppressed by antidepressants. I’m almost secretin it was the wrong medicine for me. Yes it takes a while for it to get into your system but I felt actually worse. So bad that it makes me think bad things… So I stopped.. I feel much better off them! I feel like me again! Now some pills for anxiety… Maybe! Lol I’m going back to the doctor because I do feel as if I am in need of help still. My dreams are also a part of my anxiety. I have been going to sleep now thank god! With out any meds as well… But when I do sleep. I have the most vivid dreams that range from death.. To absolutely the most random events I can’t really make out. And dreaming every time I sleep is a little odd for someone who never really had dreams at all. So I will wake up inside of anxiety. My boyfriend had went to work today for the first time in like 4 days str8 of being with me. So I woke up alone. In witch is why I’m writing. It helps. His help is like no others. When he is here I can just lay on his chest and feel safe. I have to find strength again. This took a lot out of me. Honestly. Almost all of me. When your doing drugs you need to understand there is an outcome. The main killer in a drug overdose is people never really know what their getting themselves into. Always being selfish and pushing the limit like myself. Selfish. Drugs are an easy escape route people but it’s only temporarily. Understand that. I don’t blame no one but myself for this outcome. I did this to myself. But I can also turn it around and turn the party bitch. Having a success story is the greatest thing. A true story to tell. My message to anyone going through this are anything similar would be this. The storm that your enduring will eventually run out of rain. Stay strong and fight on, tomorrow is just a day away.

Day 20 - so.. Today I don’t know what to actually write. I can tell you honestly my spirits have been down for a few days. 
My panic attacks have been getting the best of me as of lately. 
My depression comes and goes. Sometimes it’s so strong I still fear for my life. I don’t have it in me to kill myself so don’t worry about that. It’s just the fear of death is eating me alive. I can’t really write on what to say today because I can’t do anything it seems but lay here. I was gaining weight only to lose it again by not eating. This is a huge battle for me. I think people should understand the severity of depression and how it can consume you. The molly trips are over. It’s not once again.. The aftermath. I don’t write everyday because nothing gets better in  a day. I will continue to write about my story in hope to help someone else. Stay strong.

Day 31 - so.. I made it. Today I can say I’m pretty much back to normal. I have normal sleep. I can’t take a bath and brush my teeth again.. Lol.. I know that part may sound a bit crazy but when you are extremely depressed you seem to let everything go.. Well at least I did. I care about my well being again! I honestly didn’t at times. There were times I didn’t post because I was unsure if I was going to make it. The depression was so strong at times I was to scared to even write. I’ve learned with depression the only thing hat can heal it is time. And willpower. I wasn’t on any anti depressants because nothing seemed to work.. I was probably being impatient..but it seemed to me that they made it worst. Depression can come and go in and out of your life and it’s all about how much you can take. Always remember this can not kill you if you don’t let it! I didn’t want to die. That’s why I’m still here. Giving up is not the answer. It only means you let it beat you. Day 1 - 5 I didn’t think I was gonna live that’s honestly why I even started writing. I wanted to make it very clear of why I was going to die. Day 5 - 10 I battled with on and off depression out of this world… I stopped writing a lot after that point because I needed time to think… These past 5 days for me I’ve been able to get a good since of who I am again. With a lot of studying… And research.. I got through it. What i have learned is this.. Your body is a beautiful working machine..it’s up to you to take care of it. The question is do you want to? Do you really care? Do you know the power of what our bodies can do? I already knew all of this but as I said before it sometimes takes a wake up call to really see the full picture. Now I know. And it didn’t take me 2 or 3 times to understand IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN! It took one.. I knew I could have died. That’s all I needed to know to get better.. 
Also.. Writing! If you find yourself depressed. Write! Letting out emotions is he best way to get over them! Write! I literally think I may have wrote myself out of depression. Now I don’t wanna say I’m just this full of life human now who just smiles all day because I’m not. But I am 95 percent better than I was and sure I’m gonna be okay at this point. I would like to tank everyone who leaded a hand out. It was a moment I can look back on and say damn. That was scary! Thanks again.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I believe it will help others, perhaps even save lives or help someone else to get the help they need to be better. God bless you and those that love and care about you. ❤pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

The picture above is me. Over it! I was not gonna post this on the internet but how could I not share this experience with the world and maybe help someone else out in the process. I recently overdosed on what we know now as MOLLY ( MDMA ) I didn’t know anything about the drug and it was my first hardcore drug trying. The first day I tried it. I experienced euphoria out of this world and felt as if I could connect to my soul when I was on it. It brought out an amazing side of myself and I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like it. I liked it so much in fact I did molly all last week only to overdose last Saturday.  That Saturday morning, I was coming down from the previous night. And for some Reason I wanted to get some more. I had plans that Saturday to take some molly with friends and dance the day away.. Lol.. Well. That didn’t happen. I remember taking the whole ten bag and thinking okay this is gonna be a great roll. I go lay down in my bed and turn on pinks who knew. I don’t know why I would listen to a song about overdosing while on a drug I know nothing about. Half way through the song I feel the molly kick in all at once. Overwhelming! I felt tingles rush all over my body from the fan blowing wind on me. It was indescribable. I start screaming for my boyfriends brother to come in the room because I knew something wasn’t right. He never came so I got up and ran into the living room freaking out because the high was much to strong and didn’t feel like the previous rolls. This was clearly an overdose. I called 911 and at that point I could feel my heart was racing. I feel the woman who picks up the phone I’m overdosing and she goes into questions about what I took.. Where was I ect. I could barley focus on anything she was saying so I hang up because my heart was going so fast I was expecting a heart attack any moment. My friends were getting me milk and water to try to keep me hydrate and bring down some of he high. Only for it to make it worse. I got so nauseous from the milk I rush to the bathroom to throw up. After 10 minutes of throwing up I raise my head up and the room was spinning. I look to the left and here’s my boyfriend. Seeing his face made me feel so much better but I knew something bad was going to happen because I started to get confused. Couldn’t really make out anything at this point. I walk out to the car to see ambulances and a cop. There asking me questions only for me not to answer and at this point I’m just ready to go to the hospital.. They gave me a choice to go with them or.. My boyfriend could bring me. Something in my gut told me if I went with them I probably wouldn’t be here right now so I chose my boyfriend to take me. We get in the car and I’m holding his hand on the way to the hospital scared to death because my heart was starting to slow down at this point. When I tell you.. This is when it hit me. I was dying! Everything was shutting down. He was crying while I was looking in the clouds speaking with god in my head. Asking him for another chance. Knowing I wasn’t gonna make it to the hospital. The clouds looks so beautiful and I remember thinking what’s beyond them.. Beyond the clouds.. I feel the car park and I take the last bit of energy I had to walk inside the hospital. I walk up to this lady at the front desk and I say I’m overdosing.. She says okay, sight in….. I have no energy to argue with this bitch so I wrote down what I could and say down. I waited ten minutes. Looking at this family in front of me with a beautiful little girl I kept smiling at because she was so pretty. I was sure that family was gonna see me die because there were about 3 times I felt as if I was gonna black out. They call my name and as I make it to the back here comes my family… Crying… My boyfriend crying… I never really thought people actually cared about me enough to cry. I knew I was loved but I didn’t know how much of an impact I was up until that moment. And I thought damn. If I died today. Wonder what would have happened. How would my boyfriend go on who is head over heels for me. He wouldn’t. My sister and my boyfriend were hugging each other for the first time ever.. And CRYING. I remember thinking damn.. What have I done… My handsome nephew was looking at me with all these cords hooked up to my chest and you can tell that was a scary moment for him. He wasn’t use to seeing me like that. I went home later the night and remember feeling emotionless. The next day I woke up and I Literally felt like someone had died. There was a strange gloom I still can’t explain. It has been with me ever since I left the hospital, like something isn’t right…. My anxiety has been through the roof since that day and my depression seems to be at its peak! I cry for hours at a time. The thought of what happened still fucks with me. I have this impending doom… Thought of death… Something bad is gonna happen… Horrible thoughts go through my head with out the medication they gave me. My boyfriend hasn’t been able to work because the thought of him leaving my side sends me into panic attacks. They said time will heal everything and what I’m going through is what is expected. Going through this is not going to be easy. And I’m sure it will be ruff for a little while longer knowing that Molly has after effects that could last weeks…moths…or even years… Everything has an outcome in this life.  And this outcome will only make me a much stronger person when I overcome it. My boyfriend has proven to me his love is genuine and I think of him as a lifesaver. He saved my life. I wanted to write this for people who don’t think things like this happen. Before this I was normal just like everyone else.. Not saying I’m not normal. But after this overdose I’m sure my brain won’t technically be the same again.  Don’t do drugs!!!!!!!! I honestly can say this was my wake up call. You don’t have to be a drug addict to die from drugs people. Remember that. I could have.

If it can happen to me.. It can happen to you. Period.

day 3- I am still severely depressed from this. If I ever make it through this hard time I will be sure to be a changed person. Please keep me in your prayers as this is not a great time for me. I’m still suffering depression from this and can’t seem to shake it. Ever since I took this drug everything has been fucked. I ask god everyday to heal me. Nothing seems to work. I’ve gotten a bit better from he first few days but can’t seem to find that happy place I once lived in. Please don’t do drugs.

day 6- Today I have learned what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I can’t find that safe place in my head but I am learning to just BREATHE! It’s so easy to focus on the negative since this is still so fresh But what I keep forgetting is i am still alive! Step one is learning to let go. The worst part is over! Recovery is a long process but the outcome is much greater when accomplished.

Day 7 - today.. The sun has began to peak through the the darkness!!! Looking back from day 1 I thought I was going to die… It seemed as if I wasn’t going to make it and I can’t lie I was ready to give up. My depression still pops up every other hour or so.. My anxiety woke me up this morning at 8 o’clock  and I’ve been up ever since.. I reminded myself to breathe! I made a trip to the hospital only to leave without their help.. Willingly ! Doctors don’t want to help me because there are so many people that go to the hospital just for the drugs.. Not understanding right now I need something for my anxiety.. So I took matters into my own hands.. I bought some all natural vitamins for stress the 3rd day after my overdose and been taking them ever since. There called Gaia herbs STRESS RESPONSE. Supporting a heathy response to stress, I have to say they actually have been working.. Like any vitamin they take a while to kick in but I’ve been using them ever since I got them so they seem to help.. I’m fighting this off the natural way and not trying to get addicted to any medication from a doctor such as Xanax or Ativan with  also help by are extremely addictive.. My boyfriend has been the greatest support system at the time and I can’t thank him enough.. I also learned I have my own personal weapon.. My SENSE OF HUMOR!!! Through it all I almost forgot I had one of the biggest personalities god could have gave to someone. As I said before recovery is a long road to travel but with a few tools I will be sure to get there  soon. Sobriety is a wonderful thing once achieved. Never give up! And always remember to smile!

Day 10 - ya know.. The sun is shining bright for me today like no other.. The issue I’m having now is.. MY ADDITUDE! My mood swings have been so abnormal I feel as if I’m a villain from a Disney movie. I keep telling my friends this is my blackout era.. Made famous by the infamous Britney Spears.. Lol.. I’m trying my best to just learn to shut my damn mouth.. What people don’t understand is.. I’m trying…many also don’t understand it’s not just the overdose I’m dealing with.. It’s the weed as well. After I overdosed it scared me so bad I stopped I cut weed of cold turkey…in other words all together.. Leaving me with withdraws like no other! I tend to find myself looking for the next thing to happen. Just so I can put my sense in and let have! Maybe this is because my guard is actually up. By opening up to the world about my overdose I have learned that people can be cruel. I have gotten messages on Facebook.. Instagram…twitter..tumblr..and youtube about people caring that I overdosed stating I caused this on myself. Witch is nothing but a fact! But.. What they don’t understand is I am honestly trying to put this out to show people what it can cause. I can honesty say it wasn’t the weed that led me here. It was the molly..and I’m not saying weed is bad nor am against weed still to this day, I felt like weed helped me. As a matter of fact it did help me. I looked good.. I slept good.. I could deal with life much better than I can right now.. I would put my beats on roll me a fat blunt and just get away! So don’t think I’m just soooooo against weed now. Because I’m not. I am stopping drugs all together because I don’t want to feel as if I need anything to get through life. I wasn’t put here with anything. It’s my own personal battle. Today I had the first urge to say fuck it and roll me a blunt. But did I? No. Am I? No. Urges are nothing but temptation to the mind.. Something that will eventually fade. Also.. I have been having vivid dreams like no other.. So vivid I can remember in detail as I couldn’t before… I also believe since the overdose I have developed Insomnia.. Since the day I overdosed I have probably had 32 hours of sleep all together. This is probably what is driving me crazy because at times I feel sleep deprived.. In reality I am! Lol. I knew letting myself detox was gonna be a bitch. But why not go through it. The storm is over. This would be considered a tropical storm to the hurricane I just went up against. I don’t feel as if I’m gonna die anymore. I just feel as if someone else may.. The lashing I have been doing isn’t very nice and I can honestly say I’ve been a bitch. A journey wont always lead us the way the map guides..sometimes you have to make your own route. It’s all about getting there. If you get lost along the way. Don’t give up. Remember to keep your faith if nothing else and try to always have a dedicated mindset. As I said before the storm is over.. But the aftermath is gonna be a bitch to clean up. A hurricane is a great metaphor for an overdose by the way.. Lol 
Day 14 - 2 weeks since I overdosed I can say I am not depressed anymore. Nor am I sad about what happened. It’s my anxiety… Now see I have made it through that horrible nightmare that didn’t seem it was gonna end. Making it this far has showed me that I am a true survivor. But the sad thing is I am left with this anxiety in witch at times feels as if can kill you alone! But I have learned anxiety is nothing but a reaction from negative thoughts. Simply. You can change your mind and your anxiety will fade, tho it’s not as easy as a sentence lol. It rakes me maybe 30 minutes for it to leave. I have to text… Listen to music… I also downloaded a lot of old nick toons from iTunes like hey Arnold.. Cat dog… Doug….you know.. Well if your a 90,s baby like me you would. They help! So much. If you are having anxiety do something you love! Something that gets your mind away. Right now I’m fighting the hardest fight and I don’t think people realize that. You see me posting pictures and videos and people say yassssssssssssss your so much better.. Ect. In all actuality I’m not. Nor do I want the sympathy neither. I didn’t wanna sit around all day hearing shit like get well soon. Yes it helps but it also makes you realize you are not okay. I want to feel okay. Believe it. Even when I’m not. The biggest part is I have gotten so much better I can’t express it enough. I was prescribed some medication over the last week and I tried it… But I have to tell you I honesty don’t want to be suppressed by antidepressants. I’m almost secretin it was the wrong medicine for me. Yes it takes a while for it to get into your system but I felt actually worse. So bad that it makes me think bad things… So I stopped.. I feel much better off them! I feel like me again! Now some pills for anxiety… Maybe! Lol I’m going back to the doctor because I do feel as if I am in need of help still. My dreams are also a part of my anxiety. I have been going to sleep now thank god! With out any meds as well… But when I do sleep. I have the most vivid dreams that range from death.. To absolutely the most random events I can’t really make out. And dreaming every time I sleep is a little odd for someone who never really had dreams at all. So I will wake up inside of anxiety. My boyfriend had went to work today for the first time in like 4 days str8 of being with me. So I woke up alone. In witch is why I’m writing. It helps. His help is like no others. When he is here I can just lay on his chest and feel safe. I have to find strength again. This took a lot out of me. Honestly. Almost all of me. When your doing drugs you need to understand there is an outcome. The main killer in a drug overdose is people never really know what their getting themselves into. Always being selfish and pushing the limit like myself. Selfish. Drugs are an easy escape route people but it’s only temporarily. Understand that. I don’t blame no one but myself for this outcome. I did this to myself. But I can also turn it around and turn the party bitch. Having a success story is the greatest thing. A true story to tell. My message to anyone going through this are anything similar would be this. The storm that your enduring will eventually run out of rain. Stay strong and fight on, tomorrow is just a day away.

Day 20 - so.. Today I don’t know what to actually write. I can tell you honestly my spirits have been down for a few days. 
My panic attacks have been getting the best of me as of lately. 
My depression comes and goes. Sometimes it’s so strong I still fear for my life. I don’t have it in me to kill myself so don’t worry about that. It’s just the fear of death is eating me alive. I can’t really write on what to say today because I can’t do anything it seems but lay here. I was gaining weight only to lose it again by not eating. This is a huge battle for me. I think people should understand the severity of depression and how it can consume you. The molly trips are over. It’s not once again.. The aftermath. I don’t write everyday because nothing gets better in  a day. I will continue to write about my story in hope to help someone else. Stay strong.

Day 31 - so.. I made it. Today I can say I’m pretty much back to normal. I have normal sleep. I can’t take a bath and brush my teeth again.. Lol.. I know that part may sound a bit crazy but when you are extremely depressed you seem to let everything go.. Well at least I did. I care about my well being again! I honestly didn’t at times. There were times I didn’t post because I was unsure if I was going to make it. The depression was so strong at times I was to scared to even write. I’ve learned with depression the only thing hat can heal it is time. And willpower. I wasn’t on any anti depressants because nothing seemed to work.. I was probably being impatient..but it seemed to me that they made it worst. Depression can come and go in and out of your life and it’s all about how much you can take. Always remember this can not kill you if you don’t let it! I didn’t want to die. That’s why I’m still here. Giving up is not the answer. It only means you let it beat you. Day 1 - 5 I didn’t think I was gonna live that’s honestly why I even started writing. I wanted to make it very clear of why I was going to die. Day 5 - 10 I battled with on and off depression out of this world… I stopped writing a lot after that point because I needed time to think… These past 5 days for me I’ve been able to get a good since of who I am again. With a lot of studying… And research.. I got through it. What i have learned is this.. Your body is a beautiful working machine..it’s up to you to take care of it. The question is do you want to? Do you really care? Do you know the power of what our bodies can do? I already knew all of this but as I said before it sometimes takes a wake up call to really see the full picture. Now I know. And it didn’t take me 2 or 3 times to understand IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN! It took one.. I knew I could have died. That’s all I needed to know to get better.. 
Also.. Writing! If you find yourself depressed. Write! Letting out emotions is he best way to get over them! Write! I literally think I may have wrote myself out of depression. Now I don’t wanna say I’m just this full of life human now who just smiles all day because I’m not. But I am 95 percent better than I was and sure I’m gonna be okay at this point. I would like to tank everyone who leaded a hand out. It was a moment I can look back on and say damn. That was scary! Thanks again.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I believe it will help others, perhaps even save lives or help someone else to get the help they need to be better. God bless you and those that love and care about you. ❤

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

pradaboiswagg:

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pradaboiswagg:

The picture above is me. Over it! I was not gonna post this on the internet but how could I not share this experience with the world and maybe help someone else out in the process. I recently overdosed on what we know now as MOLLY ( MDMA ) I didn’t know anything about the drug and it was my first hardcore drug trying. The first day I tried it. I experienced euphoria out of this world and felt as if I could connect to my soul when I was on it. It brought out an amazing side of myself and I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like it. I liked it so much in fact I did molly all last week only to overdose last Saturday. That Saturday morning, I was coming down from the previous night. And for some Reason I wanted to get some more. I had plans that Saturday to take some molly with friends and dance the day away.. Lol.. Well. That didn’t happen. I remember taking the whole ten bag and thinking okay this is gonna be a great roll. I go lay down in my bed and turn on pinks who knew. I don’t know why I would listen to a song about overdosing while on a drug I know nothing about. Half way through the song I feel the molly kick in all at once. Overwhelming! I felt tingles rush all over my body from the fan blowing wind on me. It was indescribable. I start screaming for my boyfriends brother to come in the room because I knew something wasn’t right. He never came so I got up and ran into the living room freaking out because the high was much to strong and didn’t feel like the previous rolls. This was clearly an overdose. I called 911 and at that point I could feel my heart was racing. I feel the woman who picks up the phone I’m overdosing and she goes into questions about what I took.. Where was I ect. I could barley focus on anything she was saying so I hang up because my heart was going so fast I was expecting a heart attack any moment. My friends were getting me milk and water to try to keep me hydrate and bring down some of he high. Only for it to make it worse. I got so nauseous from the milk I rush to the bathroom to throw up. After 10 minutes of throwing up I raise my head up and the room was spinning. I look to the left and here’s my boyfriend. Seeing his face made me feel so much better but I knew something bad was going to happen because I started to get confused. Couldn’t really make out anything at this point. I walk out to the car to see ambulances and a cop. There asking me questions only for me not to answer and at this point I’m just ready to go to the hospital.. They gave me a choice to go with them or.. My boyfriend could bring me. Something in my gut told me if I went with them I probably wouldn’t be here right now so I chose my boyfriend to take me. We get in the car and I’m holding his hand on the way to the hospital scared to death because my heart was starting to slow down at this point. When I tell you.. This is when it hit me. I was dying! Everything was shutting down. He was crying while I was looking in the clouds speaking with god in my head. Asking him for another chance. Knowing I wasn’t gonna make it to the hospital. The clouds looks so beautiful and I remember thinking what’s beyond them.. Beyond the clouds.. I feel the car park and I take the last bit of energy I had to walk inside the hospital. I walk up to this lady at the front desk and I say I’m overdosing.. She says okay, sight in….. I have no energy to argue with this bitch so I wrote down what I could and say down. I waited ten minutes. Looking at this family in front of me with a beautiful little girl I kept smiling at because she was so pretty. I was sure that family was gonna see me die because there were about 3 times I felt as if I was gonna black out. They call my name and as I make it to the back here comes my family… Crying… My boyfriend crying… I never really thought people actually cared about me enough to cry. I knew I was loved but I didn’t know how much of an impact I was up until that moment. And I thought damn. If I died today. Wonder what would have happened. How would my boyfriend go on who is head over heels for me. He wouldn’t. My sister and my boyfriend were hugging each other for the first time ever.. And CRYING. I remember thinking damn.. What have I done… My handsome nephew was looking at me with all these cords hooked up to my chest and you can tell that was a scary moment for him. He wasn’t use to seeing me like that. I went home later the night and remember feeling emotionless. The next day I woke up and I Literally felt like someone had died. There was a strange gloom I still can’t explain. It has been with me ever since I left the hospital, like something isn’t right…. My anxiety has been through the roof since that day and my depression seems to be at its peak! I cry for hours at a time. The thought of what happened still fucks with me. I have this impending doom… Thought of death… Something bad is gonna happen… Horrible thoughts go through my head with out the medication they gave me. My boyfriend hasn’t been able to work because the thought of him leaving my side sends me into panic attacks. They said time will heal everything and what I’m going through is what is expected. Going through this is not going to be easy. And I’m sure it will be ruff for a little while longer knowing that Molly has after effects that could last weeks…moths…or even years… Everything has an outcome in this life. And this outcome will only make me a much stronger person when I overcome it. My boyfriend has proven to me his love is genuine and I think of him as a lifesaver. He saved my life. I wanted to write this for people who don’t think things like this happen. Before this I was normal just like everyone else.. Not saying I’m not normal. But after this overdose I’m sure my brain won’t technically be the same again. Don’t do drugs!!!!!!!! I honestly can say this was my wake up call. You don’t have to be a drug addict to die from drugs people. Remember that. I could have.

If it can happen to me.. It can happen to you. Period.

day 3- I am still severely depressed from this. If I ever make it through this hard time I will be sure to be a changed person. Please keep me in your prayers as this is not a great time for me. I’m still suffering depression from this and can’t seem to shake it. Ever since I took this drug everything has been fucked. I ask god everyday to heal me. Nothing seems to work. I’ve gotten a bit better from he first few days but can’t seem to find that happy place I once lived in. Please don’t do drugs.

day 6- Today I have learned what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I can’t find that safe place in my head but I am learning to just BREATHE! It’s so easy to focus on the negative since this is still so fresh But what I keep forgetting is i am still alive! Step one is learning to let go. The worst part is over! Recovery is a long process but the outcome is much greater when accomplished.

Day 7 - today.. The sun has began to peak through the the darkness!!! Looking back from day 1 I thought I was going to die… It seemed as if I wasn’t going to make it and I can’t lie I was ready to give up. My depression still pops up every other hour or so.. My anxiety woke me up this morning at 8 o’clock and I’ve been up ever since.. I reminded myself to breathe! I made a trip to the hospital only to leave without their help.. Willingly ! Doctors don’t want to help me because there are so many people that go to the hospital just for the drugs.. Not understanding right now I need something for my anxiety.. So I took matters into my own hands.. I bought some all natural vitamins for stress the 3rd day after my overdose and been taking them ever since. There called Gaia herbs STRESS RESPONSE. Supporting a heathy response to stress, I have to say they actually have been working.. Like any vitamin they take a while to kick in but I’ve been using them ever since I got them so they seem to help.. I’m fighting this off the natural way and not trying to get addicted to any medication from a doctor such as Xanax or Ativan with also help by are extremely addictive.. My boyfriend has been the greatest support system at the time and I can’t thank him enough.. I also learned I have my own personal weapon.. My SENSE OF HUMOR!!! Through it all I almost forgot I had one of the biggest personalities god could have gave to someone. As I said before recovery is a long road to travel but with a few tools I will be sure to get there soon. Sobriety is a wonderful thing once achieved. Never give up! And always remember to smile!

Day 10 - ya know.. The sun is shining bright for me today like no other.. The issue I’m having now is.. MY ADDITUDE! My mood swings have been so abnormal I feel as if I’m a villain from a Disney movie. I keep telling my friends this is my blackout era.. Made famous by the infamous Britney Spears.. Lol.. I’m trying my best to just learn to shut my damn mouth.. What people don’t understand is.. I’m trying…many also don’t understand it’s not just the overdose I’m dealing with.. It’s the weed as well. After I overdosed it scared me so bad I stopped I cut weed of cold turkey…in other words all together.. Leaving me with withdraws like no other! I tend to find myself looking for the next thing to happen. Just so I can put my sense in and let have! Maybe this is because my guard is actually up. By opening up to the world about my overdose I have learned that people can be cruel. I have gotten messages on Facebook.. Instagram…twitter..tumblr..and youtube about people caring that I overdosed stating I caused this on myself. Witch is nothing but a fact! But.. What they don’t understand is I am honestly trying to put this out to show people what it can cause. I can honesty say it wasn’t the weed that led me here. It was the molly..and I’m not saying weed is bad nor am against weed still to this day, I felt like weed helped me. As a matter of fact it did help me. I looked good.. I slept good.. I could deal with life much better than I can right now.. I would put my beats on roll me a fat blunt and just get away! So don’t think I’m just soooooo against weed now. Because I’m not. I am stopping drugs all together because I don’t want to feel as if I need anything to get through life. I wasn’t put here with anything. It’s my own personal battle. Today I had the first urge to say fuck it and roll me a blunt. But did I? No. Am I? No. Urges are nothing but temptation to the mind.. Something that will eventually fade. Also.. I have been having vivid dreams like no other.. So vivid I can remember in detail as I couldn’t before… I also believe since the overdose I have developed Insomnia.. Since the day I overdosed I have probably had 32 hours of sleep all together. This is probably what is driving me crazy because at times I feel sleep deprived.. In reality I am! Lol. I knew letting myself detox was gonna be a bitch. But why not go through it. The storm is over. This would be considered a tropical storm to the hurricane I just went up against. I don’t feel as if I’m gonna die anymore. I just feel as if someone else may.. The lashing I have been doing isn’t very nice and I can honestly say I’ve been a bitch. A journey wont always lead us the way the map guides..sometimes you have to make your own route. It’s all about getting there. If you get lost along the way. Don’t give up. Remember to keep your faith if nothing else and try to always have a dedicated mindset. As I said before the storm is over.. But the aftermath is gonna be a bitch to clean up. A hurricane is a great metaphor for an overdose by the way.. Lol

Day 14 - 2 weeks since I overdosed I can say I am not depressed anymore. Nor am I sad about what happened. It’s my anxiety… Now see I have made it through that horrible nightmare that didn’t seem it was gonna end. Making it this far has showed me that I am a true survivor. But the sad thing is I am left with this anxiety in witch at times feels as if can kill you alone! But I have learned anxiety is nothing but a reaction from negative thoughts. Simply. You can change your mind and your anxiety will fade, tho it’s not as easy as a sentence lol. It rakes me maybe 30 minutes for it to leave. I have to text… Listen to music… I also downloaded a lot of old nick toons from iTunes like hey Arnold.. Cat dog… Doug….you know.. Well if your a 90,s baby like me you would. They help! So much. If you are having anxiety do something you love! Something that gets your mind away. Right now I’m fighting the hardest fight and I don’t think people realize that. You see me posting pictures and videos and people say yassssssssssssss your so much better.. Ect. In all actuality I’m not. Nor do I want the sympathy neither. I didn’t wanna sit around all day hearing shit like get well soon. Yes it helps but it also makes you realize you are not okay. I want to feel okay. Believe it. Even when I’m not. The biggest part is I have gotten so much better I can’t express it enough. I was prescribed some medication over the last week and I tried it… But I have to tell you I honesty don’t want to be suppressed by antidepressants. I’m almost secretin it was the wrong medicine for me. Yes it takes a while for it to get into your system but I felt actually worse. So bad that it makes me think bad things… So I stopped.. I feel much better off them! I feel like me again! Now some pills for anxiety… Maybe! Lol I’m going back to the doctor because I do feel as if I am in need of help still. My dreams are also a part of my anxiety. I have been going to sleep now thank god! With out any meds as well… But when I do sleep. I have the most vivid dreams that range from death.. To absolutely the most random events I can’t really make out. And dreaming every time I sleep is a little odd for someone who never really had dreams at all. So I will wake up inside of anxiety. My boyfriend had went to work today for the first time in like 4 days str8 of being with me. So I woke up alone. In witch is why I’m writing. It helps. His help is like no others. When he is here I can just lay on his chest and feel safe. I have to find strength again. This took a lot out of me. Honestly. Almost all of me. When your doing drugs you need to understand there is an outcome. The main killer in a drug overdose is people never really know what their getting themselves into. Always being selfish and pushing the limit like myself. Selfish. Drugs are an easy escape route people but it’s only temporarily. Understand that. I don’t blame no one but myself for this outcome. I did this to myself. But I can also turn it around and turn the party bitch. Having a success story is the greatest thing. A true story to tell. My message to anyone going through this are anything similar would be this. The storm that your enduring will eventually run out of rain. Stay strong and fight on, tomorrow is just a day away.
Day 20 - so.. Today I don’t know what to actually write. I can tell you honestly my spirits have been down for a few days. My panic attacks have been getting the best of me as of lately. My depression comes and goes. Sometimes it’s so strong I still fear for my life. I don’t have it in me to kill myself so don’t worry about that. It’s just the fear of death is eating me alive. I can’t really write on what to say today because I can’t do anything it seems but lay here. I was gaining weight only to lose it again by not eating. This is a huge battle for me. I think people should understand the severity of depression and how it can consume you. The molly trips are over. It’s not once again.. The aftermath. I don’t write everyday because nothing gets better in a day. I will continue to write about my story in hope to help someone else. Stay strong.
Day 31 - so.. I made it. Today I can say I’m pretty much back to normal. I have normal sleep. I can’t take a bath and brush my teeth again.. Lol.. I know that part may sound a bit crazy but when you are extremely depressed you seem to let everything go.. Well at least I did. I care about my well being again! I honestly didn’t at times. There were times I didn’t post because I was unsure if I was going to make it. The depression was so strong at times I was to scared to even write. I’ve learned with depression the only thing hat can heal it is time. And willpower. I wasn’t on any anti depressants because nothing seemed to work.. I was probably being impatient..but it seemed to me that they made it worst. Depression can come and go in and out of your life and it’s all about how much you can take. Always remember this can not kill you if you don’t let it! I didn’t want to die. That’s why I’m still here. Giving up is not the answer. It only means you let it beat you. Day 1 - 5 I didn’t think I was gonna live that’s honestly why I even started writing. I wanted to make it very clear of why I was going to die. Day 5 - 10 I battled with on and off depression out of this world… I stopped writing a lot after that point because I needed time to think… These past 5 days for me I’ve been able to get a good since of who I am again. With a lot of studying… And research.. I got through it. What i have learned is this.. Your body is a beautiful working machine..it’s up to you to take care of it. The question is do you want to? Do you really care? Do you know the power of what our bodies can do? I already knew all of this but as I said before it sometimes takes a wake up call to really see the full picture. Now I know. And it didn’t take me 2 or 3 times to understand IM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN! It took one.. I knew I could have died. That’s all I needed to know to get better.. Also.. Writing! If you find yourself depressed. Write! Letting out emotions is he best way to get over them! Write! I literally think I may have wrote myself out of depression. Now I don’t wanna say I’m just this full of life human now who just smiles all day because I’m not. But I am 95 percent better than I was and sure I’m gonna be okay at this point. I would like to tank everyone who leaded a hand out. It was a moment I can look back on and say damn. That was scary! Thanks again.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I believe it will help others, perhaps even save lives or help someone else to get the help they need to be better. God bless you and those that love and care about you. ❤


pradaboiswagg:

I couldn’t find this song on tumblr but how I wish it was. 
One of my favorite songs by such a classic voice! 
It’s called free yourself. It’s mostly known in the gay world since it was in the movie too Wong foo thanks for every thing Julie Newmar! I remember my brother playing it when I was little and he was just getting so much life! As a gay adult now this speaks volumes to me! It’s all about letting to of all the mess life can bring and letting go of it all! Free yourself hunty yasss! Such bop here! Go Chaka go! 

http://www.myfreemp3.cc/mp3/Chaka+Khan+Free+Yourself View Larger

pradaboiswagg:

I couldn’t find this song on tumblr but how I wish it was.
One of my favorite songs by such a classic voice!
It’s called free yourself. It’s mostly known in the gay world since it was in the movie too Wong foo thanks for every thing Julie Newmar! I remember my brother playing it when I was little and he was just getting so much life! As a gay adult now this speaks volumes to me! It’s all about letting to of all the mess life can bring and letting go of it all! Free yourself hunty yasss! Such bop here! Go Chaka go!

http://www.myfreemp3.cc/mp3/Chaka+Khan+Free+Yourself